weird thoughts

it's bad when you have too much time in your hands - you tend to start thinking about stuffs..

that's what'd happened to me..i had been giving some thought to certain issues lately

i was late for a lecture today..ok not that i'm actually in that module..but still i crashed in hope to refresh my memory and learn some new stuffs that were not taught previously (don't ask me why i was exempted..i seriously have no idea)

which make me start finding that being a scholar sometimes feels just outright sucky, especially when you start noticing that everyone else is working harder than you. it's not that i have anything against them working hard or having different study habits..there's just this..other feeling present that make me tend to hate myself a bit. just by having that title..people will start to have expectations and have competitive comparisons with you..which isn't too bad if you look at it as a form of positive reinforcement..but ultimately..i would still rather set my own achievements and expectations instead of having people speculating all the time.. i really think i still enjoyed my secondary school life/poly life more..there wasn't so much external influences present..i could just set my own pace and goals..without anyone really enforcing any expectations upon me..

honestly speaking, i don't really enjoy being alone, yet at the same time, i do ocassionally feel the urge to just completely be shut out from the world..i think my eq is getting real bad these days due to this paradox..

speaking of paradox..allow me to side track a bit..i was just reading this story which involves some discussion about time-space paradox..apparently inside it was stated that "the book of time has already been written. from a macrocosmic viewpoint, everything that is going to happen has already happened. therefore, if a person from the future participates in a past event, he becomes a part of that event—for the simple reason that he was a part of it in the first place—and a paradox cannot possibly arise." meaning to say if someone had travelled back in time, there should not be any distortions in the time-space reality, as what they did back in the past should have already occurred and that the effects are already in the current future's reality. which led to me thinking, let's say a girl travels back in time..say a couple hundred of years..and gets married. how does the "she" in the future in that case get born? is there some sort of conservation of consciousness in play then? and also, in a more scientific approach, won't there be some sort of DNA issues as..a couple hundred years from now..an exact same DNA will get coded as the girl is being born again? ok please take note i'm not trying to spark off any religious/scientific/whatever argument here..it's just my 2 cents worth..

ok back on track..i feel that i no longer really have someone i can really spill my thoughts to..i used to have quite a few close friends whom i can talk to about anything..but after we went our separate ways..like going different schools and such..we tend to begin to drift apart..reminds me of the anime 5cm/sec that i watched a while back..it's really true that friends tend to start drifting apart as everyone start to pave their own paths in their lives..

amongst which..there was one that i really regretted..we were actually still very close even after we went our separate ways..but i guess after she got attached..i myself started to build a barrier between us as i did not exactly like being a 3rd party or whatever you may call it..and until now..i guess that barrier's still there..we no longer speak so openly with each other..and the replies come in like..eons after i had sent mine..sigh..i just hate myself for not actually just told her how i felt that time..

and finally..as a parting note..i really do hope i didn't shock or scare her yesterday..i honestly just wanted to know someone new..